Health Warning: CPD On The Rise!

Ladies and gentlemen, my fellow Americans, we are facing an epidemic of monumental proportions festering right here in the heartlands of our beloved country. No, I'm not talking about tainted peanut butter (which is also a serious problem) or the germs living on all of those shopping cart handles (which, come on, is not a serious problem) but, rather, I speak of the rapidly spreading problem of Cell Phone Driving (CPD).



This insidious infestation manifests itself in a number of ways. A driver infected by CPD will often appear distracted while driving. Their ability to maintain a constant speed and a consistant forward direction of travel will often be compromised. Often, the cars they're driving will exhibit jerky, erratic behavior (as in, "Oops, there's my turn! I think I can still make it. Oh crap!). The infected individuals will often seem oblivious to cars and pedestrians around them. Their facial expressions sometimes change quickly from blissful happiness (while in the midst of an engaging conversation) to total shock as they realize, belatedly, that they are rapidly carreening toward a stopped vehicle at an inappropriately high rate of speed.



Recently, some communities have enacted laws to curb the infection rate of CPD by mandating the use of blue tooth devices with cell phones but this, dear friends, is only a bandage on a festering wound. It's not the act of holding a cell phone that's dangerous; it's talking on that damn thing that causes the problem. And now, as all too often happens, a mutation of the disease is on the rise. The new, even more deadly infestation called TWD (Texting While Driving) is causing more distraction and loss of driving control for its victims. Now the brain is assaulted not only by extra aural stimulation but is also crippled by visual attacks requiring it to juggle input from the road ahead and tiny little alphabet characters on a teensy little screen which simultaneously demand attention. To make matters worse the stricken operator of the vehicle gives conflicting signals to the brain who knows it should be paying attention to the road but "OMG did u c what she did 2day?".



Where will it all end? Are we doomed to eventual total infection of all drivers? Will accident rates continue to rise as more and more infected drivers succumb to the mind-numbing paralysis of driving skills that results?



No, there is hope! Put down your cell phones. Turn them off while driving. If you must make a call, receive one or (God help us) have to view a text message or create one please, please, please do so off the highway and out of traffic!



Now I know this advice will fall on mostly deaf ears (after all, how can you hear me when you're always on that phone) so if you resist getting a cure for your affliction do me just one favor...



Just stay out of my way, would ya?